When a man loves a woman
By Ty WengerRedbook
September, 2009
Excerpts:
“Men do affection in ways that are not easily recognizable to women,” explains couples coach Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Why Men Are the Way They Are. “The fundamental difference is that men tend to do, and women tend to talk–and much gets lost in translation. He feels frustrated, misunderstood; she feels like he just doesn’t care. If you can learn to read the signals he’s trying to send, however, he’s going to feel like his method of loving is being appreciated. He’ll probably feel like a good person. And then he’ll be more open to hearing something else–like how he could be even better…”
To quote Cool Hand Luke (it’s a guy thing), “What we have here is… failure to communicate” –a disconnect sown by the fact that men start lying from the moment we meet you. (Lying might be too strong a term. It’s more like acting, or attempting to play the part of someone you might actually want to sleep with.) “A man is playing a role in the beginning of the relationship; so is the woman,” Farrell says. “Eventually he acts more naturally –in ways that he never would on the first date–and it’s hard for women not to end up feeling unappreciated…”
Warren Farrell has started or led, by his count, more than 390 workshops with lovelorn guys, making him a veritable Wikipedia of the various ways guys try to put the man in romance: “Taking out the garbage. Fixing your computer. Working on the taxes. Driving on the vacation. Setting up the campsite. Carrying things from the car. Researching the best new portable barbecue thingy. These, “Farrell points out, “are how a man says, ‘I love you.’ Actions, for men, speak louder than any words…”
Indeed, men learn early on that the shortest way to a woman’s heart is always through doing… “The way a man learns to get a woman’s love is by doing, not by thinking, “Farrell explains. “So when women make long to-do lists and her guy crosses items off them, what he’s really doing is saying that he loves you….”
“Women express affection by listening, but men express affection by giving advice, “Farrell notes. “And women need to know that when a man loves her and she’s hurting, not helping her her directly is, for him, like letting someone he loves bleed to death and just sitting there watching. Giving advice is his way of getting her to the hospital, getting bandages on her, and stopping the bleeding. It is his way of saying, ‘I’m going to do absolutely everything I can to save you….”